Author Archives: Benquo

Why Buy Flowers

I used not to understand why so many women care about getting flowers from their boyfriends/husbands - or, really, to understand people at all - but here's what I've learned. Maybe someone else can learn it the easy way, by just being told the rules.

If you are socially adept at all, you are constantly looking for cues that someone likes or dislikes being around you, whether you notice it or not. Imagine you were having a conversation with someone and they didn't respond to your statements, and responded to your questions with the minimal possible semantically appropriate answer:

You: "How are you?"

Them: "Okay."

You: "Did you see the new Superman movie?"

Them: "Yes."

You: "I was disappointed at how they Batmanned it up."

Them: Silence

You: "I mean, Superman is supposed to be an optimistic story."

Them: Silence

You: "Looks like it might rain later."

Them: Silence.

&c.

Does it sound like this person wants to have a conversation with you? No, it does not. When someone is interested in conversing with you, they will riff off of what you're saying, respond to a conversational provocation with a new thought of their own, and take questions as an opening to talk about something they care about. When they're not interested, they will try to keep the conversation as short as possible, and give you no openings to extend it.

It's the same on the relationship level. If you want to be friends or romantic partners with someone, the normal thing to do is to suggest ways to spend time together, and either accept their invitations or suggest alternatives. You will accept some suggestions even if they're not things you'd normally do, because they are pretexts to hang out with the other person.

There is another type of conversational cue, non-verbal in nature. If someone is talking to you and you are interested in what they have to say - or if you want to get along with them and have a conversation even if they happen to be talking about something you don't particularly care about - the normal thing to do is to nod, possibly make affirming noises or gestures, and look at them. In romantic relationships, things like a man buying a woman flowers are equivalently socially normal signs that one is interested and wants to continue.

If you were having a conversation with someone, and they made no affirming gestures, but just looked at you with a blank face, you'd ask them what was wrong. And even if they assured you that they enjoyed your company and wanted to continue the conversation, it would still feel weird and unsatisfying.

If you are a man and you are dating a woman who has been taught that flowers are a normal way of expressing affection, and you don't give her flowers, it can feel every bit as weird and unsatisfying, even if you assure her that you enjoy her company and want to keep spending time with her. It doesn't really feel like someone likes you if they don't give you the normal social cues that they like you.

Of course, since there is more than one woman, not all women are the same or want or expect the same things. And of course you the reader might not be a man dating a woman - or might be trying to work on being a better friend instead of a better boyfriend. The concept of love languages is actually a really useful one here, and the gist of it is that different people expect affection to be shown in different ways. So what you actually have to do is pay attention.

If someone lights up when you give them a gift, but not when you hug them, then you need to get into the habit of giving them little gifts, even if you wouldn't feel good if you got them, because you naturally express your affection with touch - in that case, you have to figure out that what it feels like to you to get a hug, it feels like to them to get a physical object as a token of affection. The point is, your relationships will get a lot better if you start paying attention to what the other person cares about, and accept that as a fact about the world. It doesn't matter what seems like it should make the other person feel good, or what feels to you like a genuine expression of affection - the only thing that matters is what actually works. The thought doesn't count until you've learned the other person's language.

On the other hand, when you learn how someone else differs from you, you may also learn something about yourself, and be better able to articulate and express your own needs (which is also something a lot of people need to become more comfortable with - more on this in a future post). And you may start noticing that someone else is trying to express their affection for you much more than it seemed before - once you can understand which behaviors they personally find emotionally salient.

Three Ways Not to Buy a Computer

Several friends have had computers that declined in performance with age, and assumed they would need to buy a new one. Not all computer performance problems can be fixed by a patient amateur, but many common ones can.

Problems #1 and #2 are laptop specific, but #3 and #4 apply to any computer.

Many of these fixes involve taking the computer apart. Ifixit.com has a lot of good manuals and guides, especially for Apple products, and you can look up the manual for the model of computer you have, which may include instructions for some simple repairs. You can also pay someone to do some of these things for you, though then you might not be saving much money relative to just buying a new computer.

1) A laptop that runs hot and makes noises, and slows down once it heats up.

Sometimes this just means the laptop's internal fans are clogged up with dust. If you can open up the laptop and find the fan units, then get a canister of compressed air and blow away the dust.

Or you can do what I did to my girlfriend's MacBook fans, and take them apart and actually wash them. (If you do this, dry them off before you put them back!) I also oiled the fans with some WD-40.

2) A laptop battery that runs out real fast

Sometimes this means you need to replace the battery - which is itself an easy repair, you can usually order the battery separately - but sometimes it's even simpler than that, it's just a weird software issue. Before you even order a new battery, take the old one out, and then hold down the power button for 30 seconds while the battery is out. Then put the battery back in.

3) When you open certain programs, or too many programs, or browse the web, your computer starts to run slow and take a long time to do things.

There are three major reasons this could be happening. Either your programs are asking the computer to calculate too many things at a time (i.e. your processor is too slow) or they are asking it to keep too many things in short-term memory (i.e. you don't have enough RAM), or you are asking it to read and write too much to its long term memory (a lot of hard disk usage). So the first step is to figure out which one is the problem, since fixing the wrong problem is a waste of both time and money.

Most computers both have utilities that tell you how much of your computer's capacity you're using. I'm going to call this the usage utility in the next paragraph. If you're running Windows this is called "Task Manager". Press Control+Alt+Delete and click on "Task Manager. If you're on a Mac, it's called Activity Monitor, you can get to it through the little Spotlight tool on the top right of your screen. If you're on another OS I don't know what it's called but it almost certainly exists. Whatever machine you're on, 

There will be multiple tabs in the usage utility. You should be able to see how much RAM is being used, and how intensively your processor is being used, and how fast your computer is reading from and writing to the hard disk. When your computer is running slow, open up the utility and see whether your RAM is near capacity, or your processor is near capacity, or whether your hard disk is being used a lot.

If your processor is running at 100% capacity, you're out of luck. (If you have multiple processors, you should only be worried if they're ALL running at capacity - otherwise the processors are not what's slowing you down.) You may as well buy a new computer, since replacing a processor is not for amateurs, and if you are reading this, you are probably an amateur.

If your RAM is at capacity, then one of two things could be going on.

a) One program could be a memory hog. Look at your list of active programs in the usage utility. If one is taking up a tremendously disproportionate amount of RAM, and it is not a web browser, then decide whether it is needed. In my case, I noticed that the HP printer utility was taking up all the spare RAM on my computer, and the solution was to force-quit that program whenever I noticed my computer freezing up.

b) You could just need more RAM. Look up what kind of RAM your computer will accept - you can do a web search for this or it should say in the manual (which you can also do a web search for) - and buy the memory cards with the most memory per card that your computer can handle. (Some sellers of RAM have tools that can pick out the optimal combo for you on their websites.) Installing RAM is really easy as far as computer enhancements go - you open up your computer, pull out the old memory card, and stick in the new one.

If your problem is just reading from and writing to the hard disk a lot, then you may want to upgrade to a 7200RPM hard drive, or a Solid State Drive. First check to see if you already have one of these - there should be a way to see some "about my computer" stats. If you don't then you need to figure out whether you're comfortable doing this upgrade.

Depending on your computer, upgrading the hard drive could be easy or it could be hard. The laptop upgrade I did was easy, but I'm not even going to try upgrading my iMac's hard drive - it's just too much trouble to get at. See if there's an online manual or guide that tells you how to replace your computer's hard drive.

If you don't already have a fast hard drive, and you think you can do the upgrade, you need to know which kind you want - a fast hard disk, or an SSD. Basically, the SSD will usually be faster, but you don't get as much storage space. That's never been a problem for me, and you can always get an external hard drive for storage, but if you're using hundreds of gigabytes then that might be an issue for you.

4) A specific component seems like it's not working

This might seem too obvious to list, but I figured I'd say it anyway. If it seems like some specific hardware-related computer function is failing - for example, your optical drive (e.g. CD-RW or DVD reader or Blu-Ray drive) stops working, it might not be a hardware problem. Look up whether there are known software issues with your computer, but if there aren't, then it's probably just a hardware problem, and the repair might be easy. You can often order the exact same component you're replacing.

Zeugma and Syllepsis

I did a little research and think I finally understand what zeugma and syllepsis are, and how they relate to each other.

Zeugma is any case where a single mention of a word is treated as a part of more than one clause of a sentence. Syllepsis is a type of zeugma where the word in question is used in contexts that require it to do different things.

So "He prefers dogs, she cats" is zeugma because "prefers" gets re-used, but it is not syllepsis because "prefers" is doing the exact same thing in "He prefers dogs" and the implied "She prefers cats."

There are two types of syllepsis.

Grammatical syllepsis is where the difference is in verb form. So "I prefer dogs, she cats" would be grammatical syllepsis, because "she prefer cats" is ungrammatical - the implicit extra verb is "prefers", a different form of the same word.

Semantic syllepsis is where the difference is in meaning. So in "And he said as he hastened to put out the cat, the wine, his cigar and the lamps", "put out" can mean to expel, to retrieve from storage, to extinguish, and possibly to turn off (I am not sure whether that last sense would be anachronistic).
You can't have a syllepsis without a Zeugma because the different usages have to be attributed to the same single mention, which is the definition of zeugma. So if the line from the old song went, "And he said as he hastened to put out the cat, put out the wine, put out his cigar and put out the lamps", we would have a weird phrasing, but nothing disorienting - the casual listener might not even notice the repetition, instead hearing "put out [X]" as a whole phrase. It is where we have to attribute to each clause the same mention of the verb that our attention is called to its different meanings.
Zeugma in itself may be nothing more than parsimonious phrasing, and asylleptic zeugma may easily pass unnoticed. Syllepsis is a distinct type of zeugma because it is unexpected, and draws attention to itself.